Life can be so unexpected...

Well Hello Everyone,

So as I am sure everyone knows the past few weeks have been very rough.  Not only have they been rough but also everything that happened was so unexpected…

So the weekend before I was admitted to the hospital my mom and I moved into our apartment. It was a cute place a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom decent size apartment and to top it off I was told that Tyson could come live with us! This put the biggest smile on my face (I miss my dogs so much).  Monday was a pretty low-key day; I lounged around while mom redecorated the apartment. Early evening we went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few necessities and then came home watched a movie and called it a night. Tuesday I just hung around the apartment while my mom had to run a few errands. Wednesday I woke up at around 7:00am and just felt horrible. Could not catch my breath no matter how hard I tried. I had an absolute horrible headache and was just so uncomfortable.  I just sat there sweating, trying everything in my power to just be able to take a breath, to lift the imaginary bricks that I felt where just sitting on my chest crushing me. I tried to yell for my mom but I just couldn’t.  Mothers instinct ~ she woke and when she saw me she didn’t ask questions just grabbed her bag, grabbed my bag and we went straight to the ER. I must of looked really bad because once I got to the ER they took one look at me and just knew something was very wrong. I did not go through triage or anything they wheeled me right to a room. The last thing I remember is getting up from the wheel chair to sit on the edge of the bed …then my mind goes blank…and the next thing I know I am waking up on a ventilator.

   When I finally woke up, I was confused but also relieved. Confused because I was not sure how I ended up where I was, why I had a huge thing in my mouth and down my throat, why I couldn’t talk or where all the needles in me came from. But relieved because I was now breathing comfortably (well, technically I was not breathing a machine was breathing for me).  But I was a lot more comfortable. I woke up to my mom standing next to me but my Aunty Gail and my Aunty Debbie were also standing next to me and from what I could remember my aunts weren’t there before I had “fallen asleep”.  So needless to say I woke up with a whole bunch of confusion.  

I honestly didn’t think the situation was as serious as it was.  I mean, I am on a vent and yes, that is pretty serious, but I figured I would be taken off the vent in a few days get discharged go back to where I was before this whole ordeal, wearing oxygen and waiting for lungs.

The first few days after waking up I was lethargic and pretty out of it. But, once I was fully awake and able to move a little I had to do the obvious that, of course was to check Facebook! It had been far to many days since I was on it last, haha. I was overwhelmed by the amount of sweet, caring and positive messages that were waiting for me! Thank you all so much for them <3

After some time on the vent one of the many Drs. that see me came in and said that tomorrow they will take me off the vent to see if I can breathe on my own. I was wicked happy to hear this. I was so sick of this stupid vent. My throat killed, my mouth was uncomfortable, I hated that I could not talk, hated even more that I could not eat but as happy as I was I was also a little scared. I was afraid that I would go back to feeling how I did the day I came to the ER and I never wanted to feel like that again. I think the Drs. could see the fear in my eyes because they reassured me that I was in the ICU so if I started to get into trouble they would be right here to help. So the next day finally comes and, I think because I was breathing comfortable that I would forget that it wasn’t because of my own lungs but that it was by the help of a machine and so I was sure that I would be fine to come off the vent…boy, was I wrong.  So the Dr. came in to remove the vent I took on last deep breath while it was in and then it came out. As soon as it came out I felt like I was just hit by a wall. I again could not breathe at all. They brought over these mask things but I just wasn’t haven’t it. I’m not really claustrophobic but I hate having a mask cover my face especially when I can’t breathe. But, finally they put one on me that I could handle and I thought everything was going to be ok. Again~I was very wrong (seems to be an occurring thing as of lately, me being wrong) because the next thing I know I am waking up again, back on a vent.  It was like DeJa Vu~ point A-wearing a mask, point C-waking up on a vent with absolutely no recollection of point B.  Again the rest of the day after waking up was a blur.  The following day when Dr. Budev came to see me she walked into my room and asked my mom to go on a walk with her…words you never want to hear your dr. say to your mom when you are lying in a bed on a vent. I can’t even begin to tell you the thoughts going through my head on what my mom and my Dr. were walking and talking about. I will say though, that what was being talked about was never one of those thoughts.  So my mom and Dr. come back into my room and my Dr. says that they think the best thing for me is to have a tracheostomy placed. A tracheostomy is a surgical procedure to create an opening through the neck into the trachea (windpipe). A tube is usually placed through this opening to provide an airway and to remove secretions from the lungs. This tube is called a tracheostomy tube or trach tube (looked that up, gotta love webMD). My eyes started tearing up, now this is going to probably sound very girly (but as everyone knows I am probably the girliest girl ever) but, I was more upset of this news because I did not want to have a scar on my neck and I did not want to sound like I have been smoking a pack of cigarettes everyday since the day I was born (not sure why I thought that would happen, I mean I have never known anyone who had a trach before). My Dr. explained that my lungs are gone and I will most likely need to stay on a vent until my lung transplant. Dr. Budev explained that with a trach there is a lot less chance of infection then there is being intubated. She also said my throat would feel a lot better, I would be able to eat and that I would simply be more comfortable. Because I trust Dr. Budev I was on board. Dr. Budev also reassured me that the scar will be minimal and I would sound the same as I always have.  Although, I was on board with the whole trach thing I spent the rest of the day crying mainly because I kept seeing that stupid cigarette commercial of the woman who has a hole in her neck and in order to speak has to cover the hole with her finger and then basically sounds like a walking cigarette. But the procedure was scheduled for the following day.  On the day of the procedure time seemed to pass soooo slowly.  I mean I was anxious and still convinced that I was going to wake up sounding like and looking like this woman in the commercial but, they finally came and put me to sleep before we even left the ICU. When I woke up it was nice to not have a huge thing in my mouth but my neck was painful and they put a feeding tube down my nose into my stomach. I had already lost some weight and couldn’t afford to lose anymore I just wish they could have used a normal size tube and not one 100 times to big for my face. Another thing about the trach that I dislike is the suction. Basically what this is is because I have a hole in my neck I can’t cough. So if I have secretions (Dr. talk right there) they take this tube that is attached to the trach and push it down my trach and into my lungs. Then they suction out whatever you would normally cough out. I absolutely hate this, it not only makes you cough ridiculously, which is not fun at all and even worse when you can’t breathe but it is just simply uncomfortable.   Two days after having the trach placed they had me eat some food. They gave me some applesauce with green dye in it and a few teddy grahams with some green dye on them then after you swallow they do that whole suction thing. If they suction out any green dye than…well, I can only assume that, that is not good luckily, that wasn’t the case for me and I was given the ok to eat :) But, eating was still a problem. Because I had this oversized tube in my nose down to my stomach it was making my throat feel raw. I was so excited to be able to eat and I just couldn’t it hurt that bad. The Drs. decided to remove the tube and put a smaller one in. Once they took out the tube I turned on my charm and cuteness and basically begged them to not put another one in. I convinced them that I would eat, eat, eat so that I would not lose and possibly even gain some weight they decided to give me the weekend to see how it goes. Luckily, I am still feeding tube free :)

Now over my 26 years of life I have had more IV’s and needle pokes than most people have their whole life. With that being said my veins are completely destroyed. Here in the ICU they have a rule that you have to always have two IV’s in at one time.  It would take them 3-5 sticks to just get one IV and then it would only last maybe a day or two if I were at all lucky. Aside from IV’s I needed to have my blood drawn everyday sometimes more than once. Again, it was always more than just one poke to get blood.  So they decided to put a central line in me (they have this dr. term for it but I’m just going with central line) I was completely ok with this because I was done being the human pincushion.

So it has been about 5 weeks that I have been in the ICU at the top of the list and nothing yet. I have my good days and my bad days but I am still holding strong overall. I do get discouraged and think lungs will never come…but they just have to...right??

Sorry for such a long post but there was a lot I needed to fill everyone in on. There is actually going to be another post this week. It is kind of difficult to write because I am going to open up and let everyone know how I truly feel about everything instead of my typical answer~ I am good. Stay on the look out for that one!

Until then ~ Breathe Easy,
Ashley